Wednesday, 30 July 2014

The second step

If the first step is admitting I have a problem, the second step is realizing that the first step isn't enough. 
I have a problem. I pick up my phone, and don't put it down, even when I know I shouldn't/should, even when it's making me late, even when I am already late and getting later. 
If the highlight of my Monday was watching my son grin through his swimming lesson, the heartbreak of this day is watching him do the same while knowing that his lesson will be cut short because I made us late. 
Earlier this week, arriving 15, no, 20 minutes late for lunch with a friend who's having, "a terrible day and it's only getting worse."

The pain and shame I feel are severe. Yet I've done it before, again and again. This time it feels more excruciating, but I suspect that's an illusion. I'm no longer confident that the present pain and guilt or love I feel is necessarily enough to help me resist knowingly bad choices. It hasn't been in the past. I need to strengthen my willpower. 
Yes, it seems ridiculous to say that I don't have enough willpower -- doesn't everyone have it? Don't I just need to use it? Isn't it frustrating to see a friend or loved one or, to some, even a stranger, who just needs to snap out of it, man up, get a grip, grow a pair, grow up, etc. Yes, I know. That's why I'm so ashamed, feeling utterly unworthy.
I mustn't wallow though. I mustn't care what others think. It doesn't help at all.
What I think is strong and clear. I think that I can do better. I know that I must do better. I don't know why I haven't been able to, but maybe that doesn't matter.  
I have to focus forward, to ask, what can I do that may help? To focus on creating new behaviours, rather than changing old ones. 
Deleted the app of choice (and I've already quit one), but that's just a step and easily undone. 
A reward chart. (Why not.)
Everything laid out for me to proceed directly to shower, etc., and out the door in the morning. 
Two alarm clocks?
No electronics in the bedroom. Clearly. I want my phone, but that's the problem right? 
Maybe this "public" accountability will help. 
I'm thinking that something I enjoy MORE than my iPhone might work. Meditation? Yoga? Something a little more intense? 
I've never been a morning person, but this is the year I start living the life I want. 

Monday, 28 July 2014

Happiness is... (No. 1)

...watching my child smile during swimming lessons. Huge grins. 

Watching my child SWIM during swimming lessons (briefly). It's a first. 

Interesting is: noticing that my child is not looking at me this time but is instead transfixed by the girl who's just arrived, in a ruffled striped and polka dotted bikini.