Monday, 4 January 2016


I’m feeling incredibly optimistic today. So much so that it’s a little… scary. Hello, mania? No, that’s just the adrenaline of getting by on very little sleep, soon to be supplemented with one non-stimulant AD/HD medication, one antidepressant/antianxiety medication, and a cup of tea. 
I shouldn't get ahead of myself here. It's not like I've paid the bills, nor can I even sit down at my desk.
However, I do have a bunch of reasons to feel hopeful.

  • I got my son to school early today. Early enough to play outside with his friends. Without stress. He was so thrilled when I reassured him that we weren’t going to be late, that he spontaneously threw his arms around my waist, pressed his happy face against my stomach, and squeezed.
  • A friend emailed me and asked if I want to walk with her at lunch regularly. I’ve barely been outside in a week and it’s sunny outside.
  • I watched a wild rabbit eating grass in my backyard.
  • I read a comprehensive, succinct, and hopeful post about ADD by a woman who accidentally posted it to her Facebook page, and decided to leave it there. Inspiring!
  • I’m on a clutter-busting roll here!
  • Yesterday I got really down about my slow progress and worried that my husband might leave me, solely because I felt ashamed and undeserving, but I made a good decision and went out and bought groceries and then I came to him in tears and told him that he will get “the real me” back and he looked at me with love and told me that he knows that and he sees progress and he wasn’t upset and his smile and words completely reassured me. He helped me make the supper I bought and we all had a good evening.
  • On my way into the grocery store last night I decided that every day I will do something, no matter how small, towards healing and moving forward. Something to feel good about, some positive step, no matter how small, every day. I think that this is about appreciating that small steps count, and giving myself reasons to be positive, as much as it is about getting there.  
  •  Last week I had the most helpful appointment I’ve ever had with my psychiatrist, thanks in part to my husband being there. The biggest thing that I took away from it is to think about and remember what makes me happy and to do more of those things.
  •  I resolved to use a spiral notebook for ongoing to-do list(s), notes, etc. Credit to my former coach, I guess: it’s a ‘one-book’, although it’s taken me 11 months to embrace the idea. I started to use it the week before Christmas, when I was finally shaken into crisis-prevention mode. I have it and now I have to use it. The first two lists should be things that make me happy and (other) things that I need to do.
  • I had a wonderful dream the other day. When I awoke I realized that I’ve been living "in a fog" for a long time. I remembered that I used to have more vision and enthusiasm, particularly regarding my physical surroundings. I didn’t always live in clutter and I wasn’t always fatigued.  

Oh, yeah – One more thing – 
...although, at that time, I had no dependents, little stuff, and only one role (law student or lawyer). Thinking on it now, the clutter started when I was living with a man who was very wrong for me, working very long hours in a job I hated. On the other hand, my teen bedroom was usually a mess... as was my poor mom's, and I know it bothered her.
Still, awakening from the dream I remembered that I used to feel more alive, enthusiastic, and optimistic. Remembering my past optimism strengthens my belief that I can feel that way again, but better... 
In my dream I had creative vision and guts, but then I was shaken by other influences.  I need to solidify my own ideas and gain the strength to disregard the opinions of others, real and perceived.  
I used to revel in my little homes. My first apartment was a tiny sanctuary. It was very spare, furnished with only a few things I chose. There’s a reason that my cluttered house drives me crazy. I need and deserve to regain a peaceful home. And now that I’m blessed to share it with two people I love who love me back and are awesome for me, they need and deserve a peaceful home too, even if the clutter doesn’t affect them as directly.
Okay, time to go for a walk in the sunny snow.