Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Just a log book on the web with a song 20151110

Tuesday. My day started off great. I had a shower! Early! I felt so good I even made up a song in the shower. It went something* like this:

It's going to be a good day; it's going to be a great day!
It's going to be a good day, 'cause I got up early!

I stretched my bones out. Now I'm in the shower. 
It's going to be a great day, 'cause I'm on top of it. 

Whether it's a hot day, or whether it's a cold day,
It doesn't matter, 'cause it's a long day.

If it's a slow day, or if it's crazy, 
It's going to be a good day. I'm not lazy!**

Obviously I'm not a poet. More importantly, I haven't exactly lived up to the promise of that moment yet today. Although I did get my son to school early!
Since then, I've cut and filed my nails and cuticles, which was not on my to do list (but did need doing).
Okay, enough of this, I'm off to accomplish good things... which always fills me with the dreaded thought that I'm not going to accomplish all the things(!!!), shudder, but... where the fuck was I? Breathe breathe breathe. I'm going to accomplish a few important things.
I'm going to wash and then hang the cold laundry.
I might do the dishes.
I'm going to deposit a cheque and pay a bill.
I'm going to pay some other bills.
I'm going to the dentist.
I'm going to work on my group therapy homework.
I'm going to pick up my son and make supper.
And I'm going to make tiramisu for my friend's party tonight.
So I better find the recipe and buy the ingredients too.

[Update: I did not make Tiramisu. I cannot even believe that I thought that I would. I know myself better than that.]

*Literally, because I really don't remember exactly how it goes.
**This phrase disturbs me, but I picked lazy because it rhymes with crazy. The point of the verse was that even if I don't get a lot done, it will still be a good day.

Monday, 9 November 2015

Just a log book on the web 20151109

Doing what I can to avoid the lure of the internet. What's so compelling about it anyway? No porn, no gaming, no gambling, whatever. I ditched Facebook (so much interesting information!). Down to Pinterest which is full of dull promoted pins anyway.
It's avoidance, but it's also compelling. That's the surprising part. Either way, it's best avoided. 
You know you have AD/HD when... you're distracted by the length of your nails on your crappy MacBook Pro (ha) keyboard.  
I pulled up the blog post this morning all pumped up to write to help me focus productively this morning. 
First problem: email notifications. 
I'll probably regret this because my mindless chatter makes me cringe, but at this point I'll try anything. 
OK. It's 10:05. I have to leave for a group therapy appt. at 1:00. I'll pick up my son straight after school and I promised to play Minecraft with him, but I also have to feed him supper by 4:30 so he can make it to a 5:30 activity on time. Apropos of... I should clean up the kitchen this morning. But I also have banking to do (oh yeah), and reading and homework for my group therapy. Crap. Screw it. The banking can wait one more day, most of it anyway. We're so far in the hole; what's a little more interest...
In future after Thursday's group therapy I'm going to start my reading on Friday morning. Block that off in your weekly schedule: Tuesday and Friday mornings for therapy homework. 
2'45" left. 2'15" after a shower, at most. I should do laundry too, and I still need to work on my calendar, pay the overdue bills, etc. (oh God the office, taxes, cupboards, etc.). 
Group therapy is the priority. 
Have a shower and get out of here and get to work. That is all. Make french toast for supper (because it's easy). Clean the kitchen later. Clear last night's dishes and pull up the table cloth and the dining room will be good as new, except a few crumbs. 
Just shower and gather and go.
Nov. 10
Well, that didn't work so well. I jumped straight from there to googling something about planting beneath cedar trees (no joke), because that was urgent, this being six months from planting season and all. Exhale. I did, however, get showered and do some work before my group and got to the group on time. So that was good. Better than it could have been.

Moved to tears by my own clutter

[Something I wrote a few weeks ago but didn't post at the time.]

That happened today. [i.e. I was moved to tears by my own clutter... and the sense that it's not getting any better and the fear that it won't.] Not the first time. Not the last, probably, but trying to do something about it.
I got a burst of energy from an unlikely source: kicked around on the internet until I was running late for the exercise class I'd agreed to start today -- and thought, "f#%* that class; I need to clean this house!"
Apparently if I'm behind in enough areas, I can procrastinate one (or more) to tackle another.
Seized the moment to strip the sheets; load the washer; hang some shirts; and take 2 cans of paint from the deck to the basement.
Those 2 cans of paint have been sitting on our deck for about 2 months.
And to think I've been telling myself that I need a POOL because we didn't use our backyard this summer. Face the reality sister (yes, I just addressed my self as a sister, which is a sibling that I don't have, but could really use... anyway, moving on... right... where was I? ...the reality... oh, yeah). The reality is that I didn't use our backyard all summer because I couldn't stand to be out there reminded of my complete inability to put away the crap on my deck, let alone pull the weeds out of the ground. The many, many weeds. 
Anyway, I'm rambling on. 
[Yes, but it's interesting how writing for a few minutes can bring to light something obvious that I've overlooked for months. I really should re-read King Lear, least-enjoyed literature of my high school education.]
The point of this post was to track my accomplishments today.
Here's the thing... It might be motivating for me to track my accomplishments. I'm embarrassed by this, but right now I'll try anything to help get me out of this slump. So here goes, starting with what I already did...
  • Stripped the sheets (our bed)
  • Loaded the washer
  • Hung two shirts -- threw the rest back into the laundry because they're wrinkly
  • Took 2 cans of paint from the deck to the basement
  • Threw out an old duvet cover
  • Vented to husband re (self-inflicted) chaos and inability to cope with said chaos. Husband vented back, angrily, about his inability to cope with my venting at him. He appeared to be on the verge of a heart attack. 
  • Called my psychiatrist's office, intending to vent at her for a change. She, of course, does not answer her own phone. Made an appointment for tomorrow morning. WROTE IT DOWN(!).
  • Asked husband to PLEASE stop dropping whatever he brings into our home right at the entryway. Clutter at the entryway is making me fucking crazy, filling me with shame, and prompts me to close the curtains. The shady shame makes me feel worse.
  • Located psychologist's appointment card and wrote it on my calendar too (the day after tomorrow). 
  • Looked up and wrote down 4 other appointments.  

Friday, 6 November 2015

Keeping it real and stopping the swirls

I plan to write more often, just to spill some of these thoughts out of my brain and onto a page... or screen.
Typical weekday here, which I'll share to invite all those who would bash me. No, no, I'm not actually going to sign this and send it to anyone who knows me... I might be crazy (and who would know, because really, what is crazy?), but I'm not into pain.
But yes... The type of day that I'm trying hard to put behind me!
  • Woke up at 7. 
  • Husband initiated physical activity. (Actually that's not typical.) Weighed options: good wife vs. get up early and be productive. Beloved husband tolerates all sorts of unproductiveness on my part: he wins. 
  • Checked emails and weather (still in bed).
  • Got up about 8. Made breakfast for my son ("DS") and helped him review words for a spelling test today. 
  • Left the kitchen to shower. 8:10 already. Decided not enough time to shower. Decided to instead go on Pinterest and then make his lunch. (Yes, I scorn my poor decisions.)
  • 8:28 Got up, gathered DS's clothes, and told him that it's almost time to go to school. DS howled in protest, predictably (watching a video). Got him more food, more milk, prompted him to dress, made his lunch, ate a little breakfast myself, prompted him to brush his teeth, etc. 
  • Drove DS to school, arriving just after the first bell. 
  • Broke the school rules by dropping DS off across the street from the school. Observed by another member of the PTA Executive, who gave me a mournful look. 
  • Came in, texted my accountability buddy re my intention to shower in 10 minutes, and started scrolling Pinterest.
  • Despite my accountability buddy's reply, my good intention, and a lack of fun or inspiring pins in my Pinterest feed (enough already with the suggested pins, Pinterest -- you're ruining your product), more than an hour passed before I got up again. 
  • Unpacked a suitcase and put dirty clothes in the laundry hamper. Carried it part of the way to the basement, and then had second thoughts. (Who does that?)
  • Medicated. Showered, shaved, brushed, flossed, and removed chipped nail polish. Moisturized. Dressed. 
  • You know it, Pinterest. 
  • Made tea and grabbed a granola bar for lunch.
  • Sat down at my desk and powered up the laptop. Came to Blogger and read an inspiring and expressive post...and started to write this.
  • 1:30, here I am. 
So, why did I want to write all that? Well, I feel calmer now. Less distracted by the piles all around me and throughout my house.
I'm overwhelmed, frankly. The internet is my respite, distraction, but there are much healthier distractions. Meditation, say. Or exercise. 
Okay. My goals today are:
  1. Consolidate all my calendars (fridge, portable, digital), school notes, appointment cards, etc. into one portable, paper calendar. 
  2. Make myself a daily & weekly schedule. 
Everything else, all the chaos that swirls around me, and the bills, and the reading and exercises for my depression group, and the note to DS's teacher, and rescheduling my hair appointment... you will have to wait. Which is so, so hard. 
That is, doing any thing knowing that there are so many things (yes, I see you waving there overdue taxes) jumping up and down (yes, you too overflowing kitchen cupboards) and hanging off my back, weighing me down and grappling for my attention... is shockingly difficult. Go away all of you, before I switch gears again. I mean, surely I should pay the overdue bills first... Ugh. No. Calendar, you are first, and in you, a to-do list, because without you I continue to be tossed about, utterly unmoored. You too, note to DS's teacher, she doesn't want you on a Friday afternoon anyway...
So this is AD/HD and me. This constricting feeling in my throat...
Ah. A friend texts an invite for coffee. A sweet extension from someone who cares, someone whose father is ill. Someone I'll say no to, again, with regret, because I must do what I must do, despite regret and guilt and concern and the desire to be a friend and to have a friend...
I hear you now, naysayers -- or is that my inner voice? -- 'stop moping, stop whining, and get a life...' 
Just keeping it real here, trying to get myself on track. Feeling that swollen throat and that knotted stomach. Taking a deep breath and going for the calendar. Let's make this happen, self.