Friday, 6 November 2015

Keeping it real and stopping the swirls

I plan to write more often, just to spill some of these thoughts out of my brain and onto a page... or screen.
Typical weekday here, which I'll share to invite all those who would bash me. No, no, I'm not actually going to sign this and send it to anyone who knows me... I might be crazy (and who would know, because really, what is crazy?), but I'm not into pain.
But yes... The type of day that I'm trying hard to put behind me!
  • Woke up at 7. 
  • Husband initiated physical activity. (Actually that's not typical.) Weighed options: good wife vs. get up early and be productive. Beloved husband tolerates all sorts of unproductiveness on my part: he wins. 
  • Checked emails and weather (still in bed).
  • Got up about 8. Made breakfast for my son ("DS") and helped him review words for a spelling test today. 
  • Left the kitchen to shower. 8:10 already. Decided not enough time to shower. Decided to instead go on Pinterest and then make his lunch. (Yes, I scorn my poor decisions.)
  • 8:28 Got up, gathered DS's clothes, and told him that it's almost time to go to school. DS howled in protest, predictably (watching a video). Got him more food, more milk, prompted him to dress, made his lunch, ate a little breakfast myself, prompted him to brush his teeth, etc. 
  • Drove DS to school, arriving just after the first bell. 
  • Broke the school rules by dropping DS off across the street from the school. Observed by another member of the PTA Executive, who gave me a mournful look. 
  • Came in, texted my accountability buddy re my intention to shower in 10 minutes, and started scrolling Pinterest.
  • Despite my accountability buddy's reply, my good intention, and a lack of fun or inspiring pins in my Pinterest feed (enough already with the suggested pins, Pinterest -- you're ruining your product), more than an hour passed before I got up again. 
  • Unpacked a suitcase and put dirty clothes in the laundry hamper. Carried it part of the way to the basement, and then had second thoughts. (Who does that?)
  • Medicated. Showered, shaved, brushed, flossed, and removed chipped nail polish. Moisturized. Dressed. 
  • You know it, Pinterest. 
  • Made tea and grabbed a granola bar for lunch.
  • Sat down at my desk and powered up the laptop. Came to Blogger and read an inspiring and expressive post...and started to write this.
  • 1:30, here I am. 
So, why did I want to write all that? Well, I feel calmer now. Less distracted by the piles all around me and throughout my house.
I'm overwhelmed, frankly. The internet is my respite, distraction, but there are much healthier distractions. Meditation, say. Or exercise. 
Okay. My goals today are:
  1. Consolidate all my calendars (fridge, portable, digital), school notes, appointment cards, etc. into one portable, paper calendar. 
  2. Make myself a daily & weekly schedule. 
Everything else, all the chaos that swirls around me, and the bills, and the reading and exercises for my depression group, and the note to DS's teacher, and rescheduling my hair appointment... you will have to wait. Which is so, so hard. 
That is, doing any thing knowing that there are so many things (yes, I see you waving there overdue taxes) jumping up and down (yes, you too overflowing kitchen cupboards) and hanging off my back, weighing me down and grappling for my attention... is shockingly difficult. Go away all of you, before I switch gears again. I mean, surely I should pay the overdue bills first... Ugh. No. Calendar, you are first, and in you, a to-do list, because without you I continue to be tossed about, utterly unmoored. You too, note to DS's teacher, she doesn't want you on a Friday afternoon anyway...
So this is AD/HD and me. This constricting feeling in my throat...
Ah. A friend texts an invite for coffee. A sweet extension from someone who cares, someone whose father is ill. Someone I'll say no to, again, with regret, because I must do what I must do, despite regret and guilt and concern and the desire to be a friend and to have a friend...
I hear you now, naysayers -- or is that my inner voice? -- 'stop moping, stop whining, and get a life...' 
Just keeping it real here, trying to get myself on track. Feeling that swollen throat and that knotted stomach. Taking a deep breath and going for the calendar. Let's make this happen, self. 

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