Friday, 18 April 2014


Invited friends to come over with their child this morning for a coffee date/play date. Looked forward to it. 
Stayed up too late last night -- in part a consequence of taking my Rx's in early afternoon -- took a sleeping pill at about midnight, and started reading Sari Solden's book about women with ADHD (inattentive type) -- ADHDit? Slept like a baby, but slept in. Then resumed reading when I should've been showering. 
I was putting in my contacts and washing my face when our friends arrived at 10ish. 
After taking Adderall XR, modafinil, and citalopram, I sat down to visit with our friends, drink tea, and ate a croissant. Our boys played with Lego in the same hardwood-floored room, until my husband kindly sent them off to play in a more distant, carpeted part of the house -- the combined effect of our conversation and the kids' conversation was too much for me. 
After a while I was feeling beyond wired. Our friends had to go after a couple of hours to get to another event. Emotionally I felt anxious -- anxious that I'd been a poor host, a poor friend, a poor conversationalist. This is normal post-social worry for me. These worries were exacerbated by my physical feelings -- and behaviours -- as I worried that I had been disruptive, annoying, or otherwise unpleasant. 
I commented that I felt jittery, and said to my husband, and friend, that, "the combined effect of the medication and caffeine may have been too much." She looked at me. I don't want to read anything into her look, lest it be inaccurate. Surprised. She looked, at least, surprised by my comment. 
Earlier in the morning I'd expressed a desire to be more open with my friends, about my mental health issues and their effects. My husband thought it was a good idea, to stop hiding. In theory, to reduce fear and shame. 
I see, though, that I have more work to do. I have to be prepared, and the environment needs to be quiet, without interruptions. I feel it's particularly difficult to be open with this friend, because she has serious health issues, resulting from a stroke. I suppose I feel that my health issues -- ADHD and depression -- aren't... Valid. I've recently gained a fuller understanding of their pervasive effects on me, my thoughts, my functioning, and on my child and spouse. Yet it's still difficult not to fear criticism -- that's just an excuse; do you want to see a real problem?; whining; lazy; etc. 
Still, I'm excited by the prospect of finally breaking through, of beginning to understand, and hopefully to improve in some ways.
I have resisted the idea that I may not be able to do as much as others, or as I feel I can or should. However, my health and happiness, and those of my son and husband, will guide me for now. Maybe I can't accomplish what I once ecpected, or what others can. It's okay. I'm so fortunate that my husband is supportive. 
My goals for the next few months: to start exercising; to feed my family well; to be an attentive and available mother; to keep our house clean and our finances orderly and understood (to create and maintain a budget system); to catch up on filing; to catch up on a whole host of administrative tasks related to benefits claims, taxes, name changes, educational prerequisites, and so on... In short, to get caught up on, establish, and maintain the kind of orderliness that others manage all the time. Putting it like that I realize that it's actually a pretty big job! Even without seasonal things like gardening... Shudder. Vacations. Camping preparation and... is "reparations" too much of a stretch? (Why isn't there a word for the tasks required after camping?) And all the rest. Hmmm. 
In the meantime, right now, I'll try to calm my tense body, hope that my quadriceps will relax and my pulse will return to its resting rate, and go be a good mom. 
And I'll go it mass and pray this afternoon, with gratitude for all my blessings. 

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